The Users Guides To Supernatural Characters
by homeric
Summary: Congratulations on your purchase! Dean, Sam, John and Castiel now up.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This idea is not mine. If I knew who originally thought up the idea of character "user guides" then I would credit (and probably hug) them. Dean belongs to Kripke and the cruel, cruel writers that keep bashing him around and making him cry prettily. **

**The User's Guide And Manual For**

**Dean Winchester**

**Copyright GrubbyHunters Ltd.**

**Daisy May , Chief Technical Advisor**

_**CONGRATULATIONS!**_

_You are now the proud owner of a DEAN WINCHESTER (henceforth DEAN) unit! In order to obtain maximum enjoyment from your scruffy yet gorgeous hunter, please follow the instructions below._

_**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**_

Name: DEAN WINCHESTER

Type: Human (male)

Manufacturers: JOHN and MARY WINCHESTER (deluxe flammable mommy Winchester action pack is available and comes with free pyrotechnic Jessica accessory if you order before November 2009).

Height: 6ft (unless you have a SAM unit, in which case it is best to invest in a box on which to stand your DEAN unit upon or merely keep your SAM at an aesthetically pleasing several metres away when it comes to taking photos. DEAN units inevitably look short in photographs when stood next to SAM units).

Weight: 160 lbs

Length: Invariably revealed after several beers.

Eye colour: Hazel. (Do not be surprised to find yourself describing them as "Jade", "vivid green" or "brimming with the unshed tears of a thousand torments" - you're a fanfic reader, it's normal, we all quite understand).

Lips: pouty enough to make Angelina Jolie blush.

_**ACCESSORIES**_

Your DEAN unit will be shipped to you as soon as possible (provided you have a very understandable customs officer). Units are delivered fully clad in scruffy boots, a nice, if slightly ketchup stained plaid shirt, and jeans. In addition, your DEAN unit is supplied with a battered leather jacket, six throwing stars, two daggers, four guns, a Chevy Impala that would give Jeremy Clarkson an orgasm at five paces, a sack of rock salt, three knives, a first aid kit, silver bullets, normal bullets, a set of car keys, a taser gun, a can of mace and a case of crippling self doubt.

_**OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS**_

Your DEAN unit has been designed to be both user friendly and efficient. Due to manufacturing problems this is not always the case, however. His controls are voice activated, but please be sure to speak slowly and clearly (if experiencing problems with your unit then either show him a hamburger (if you are male), or your boobs (if you are female). The default setting of "quiet and slobbering" will allow you to persuade your unit to get back to the task in hand.

Aside from being visually attractive, awesome in the sack and destroyer of all things that go bump in the night, your DEAN has many other uses.

_Babysitter_

Did you tell your friend/sister/neighbour that you wouldn't mind looking after their kids, only to regret it when the little monsters were dumped upon you for the afternoon? Why not let your DEAN unit regale them with tales from his childhood? Chances are that you'll never be bothered by them again.

* It is prudent to ask parents to sign a disclaimer absolving you of any future psychiatrist bills before allowing children to come into contact with DEAN units.

_Undertaker_

In these harsh economic times who among us really wants to shell out thousands of pounds celebrating the departure of our loved ones? The DEAN unit is an expert in sending your dearest ones to the Elysium fields beyond. With only a lighter, a can of gas and several witty yet occasionally respectful one liners you can be sure that aunty May will get the send off she deserves and will never come back from the dead to berate you for not putting that china poodle she gave you for Christmas on display.

_Psychotherapist_

Put it this way, however crappy your day has been, asking your Dean unit to describe what years of being tortured in hell was like is almost certainly likely to put things into perspective.

_**CLEANING**_

DEAN units enjoy cleaning routines, especially if they involve power showers.

Note: We advise you not to allow TRICKSTER units near your DEAN unit when it is showering (or at any other time really) - electrocution, flattened by piano or squished by car may occur.

Hand washing is recommended for the DEAN unit. As well as keeping the unit in prime condition it allows the owner to inspect all moving parts and ensure that they are working correctly. We suggest that you do this while significant others are out of the house. It's a lot more fun and saves on divorce bills.

_**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**_

**Q: My DEAN unit seems to spend a lot of time looking at other female units - should I be worried?**

**A: **No.

Unlike the SAM unit, DEAN is able to copulate with any female unit whatever the genre without five days of talking about his feelings. Also unlike the Sam unit, females that have interacted with the Dean Unit rarely have to be shot/set on fire/stabbed unless you feel jealous enough to do it yourself. If you feel sufficiently neglected then threaten to take a hammer to accessory C (kick ass Chevy Impala) and watch him beg for forgiveness.

**Q: While attempting to reset my SAM unit from "Brooding" to "Tormented with a hint of self loathing", I accidentally scratched it. My DEAN unit immediately flung itself into the nearest busy road. Why did this happen? **

**A. **Due to a manufacturing flaw, when SAM units are damaged it triggers DEAN units' insane-self-sacrificial-beyond-all-intelligent-reason over-ride chip. On accidentally damaging a SAM unit do not be surprised to find your DEAN trying to dig the tarmac up at your nearest crossroads and eyeing up the nearest black cat with a thoughtful expression.

Merely turn him off, make sure one of our licensed technicians restore your SAM to its optimum working potential and re-set both units to "Bitch-Jerk" standby. You should have no further problems.

* The helpline number for our Unit Technicians can be found on page 330 on volume five of your UNIT instructions.

**Q: My DEAN unit has become a source of fascination to my son's class. They want him to take care of the school's gerbil over the summer vacation. Should I let him?**

**SOLUTION: **For the love of all things holy do not entrust your DEAN with the wellfare of anything precious to you. Gerbils live for at best four years - extracting your DEAN unit from a hell dimension after it's sold its soul to resurrect it takes considerably longer.

_**TROUBLESHOOTING**_

**PROBLEM**: **My DEAN came home from taking my son to school in a state that could only be described as "ravaged". What happened?**

**SOLUTION**: Letting DEAN units out unaccompanied is not advised. Due to the enhanced "sex appeal" musk they emit (refills $20.99 for five) , it can be difficult to prise females from it when let loose alone. Why not utilise the time to be extremely smug in front of other parents and parade your unit in front of the middle-aged divorced fathers and their newly purchased sports cars?

**PROBLEM: My Dean has a weird handprint on his arm and seems more conflicted than usual. What's going on?**

You have a a special edition CASTIEL approved DEAN edition unit. Congratulations. For only $400 you can purchase our rumpled, sexy as all hell (or heaven) angel and utilise your units to recreate the fantasies that you certainly won't want to admit to in confession.

**PROBLEM: My DEAN keeps asking me what "slash" fan fiction is. I'm too embarrassed to explain - what do I do?**

Check the buttocks of your unit. Is there a "S" insignia branded there? If so either purchase or borrow a "SAM", "CASTIEL" or "JOHN" unit, shove them in a shower together (or beat the hell out of one of them if you're a hurt/comfort fan) and stand well back.

If there is no insignia then distract your DEAN by buying him a puppy. DEAN units are hardwired to become insanely protective of things with big brown eyes, floppy hair and the potential to grow up to be massive, uncontrollable and potentially evil.

****

FINAL NOTE:

DEAN units are loyal, aesthetically pleasing and damn good hunters, however in the interest of other buyers it is best not to take them on talk shows centred about troubled childhoods, any metal detectors, restrict them to vegan diets or the works of Germaine Greer.

Provided you adhere to the above suggestions we at GrubbyHunters Ltd. are sure that you and your DEAN unit will have many happy years together.

_DISCLAIMER: GrubbyHunters Ltd. Take no responsibility for damaged caused by your unit being dragged to hell and torn apart from hooks, STDs caught from slutty waitresses, Kleenex purchases from wiping away the single perfect tear from its long eyelashes or bruises caused by BOBBY units trying to knock some sense into it._


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Once again this idea is not mine. If you know who started the "User's Guide" idea off then please let me know and I'll properly credit the author. Sam belongs to Kripke, but frankly should have been taken away by social services when he was a small child imo. **

**Thanks to everyone who was kind enough to read and review the "Dean" guide - I'll try and get back to you all, and thanks for the nudge to write more:)**

**The User's Guide And Manual For**

**SAM WINCHESTER**

**Copyright GrubbyHunters Ltd.**

**Daisy May , Chief Technical Advisor**

_**CONGRATULATIONS!**_

_You are now the proud owner of a SAM WINCHESTER (henceforth SAM) unit! In order to obtain maximum enjoyment from your floppy haired, doe-eyed hunter, please follow the instructions below._

_**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**_

Name: SAM WINCHESTER

Type: Human (male)

Manufacturers: JOHN and MARY WINCHESTER (Jesus-Dad-I-Got-into-fricking-Stanford-on-a-Full Ride-and-_I'm_-the-socially-unacceptable-one-in-the-family resentment chip sold separately).

Height: 6" 4. Appears taller when next to his delicious but less gargantuan brother.

Weight: 180 lbs

Length: Have you seen the size of him? You work it out.

Eye colour: "liquid pools of melted chocolate conveying the delicate soul trapped in a destiny he has no control over" if you are a Sam girl. "Brown" if you are a Dean girl.

Freckles: adorable.

_**ACCESSORIES**_

Your SAM unit will be shipped to you as soon as possible (provided your customs officer isn't female and of the mothering type in which case delays can be expected). Units are delivered fully clad in sneakers, a t-shirt, and jeans. In addition, your SAM unit is supplied with a plaid shirt which looks adorably huge when worn by DEAN units, an array of weapons, a laptop computer and a perpetually furrowed brow.

(Telekinesis, precognition and immunity to demon powers upgrades can be purchased depending on which season your SAM unit is based upon - or buy all three for $49.99 and get a "magic knife that kills all demons except for the times it doesn't or the Winchesters forget to use it" absolutely free).

_**OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS**_

Your SAM unit has been designed to be both user friendly and efficient. Mild mannered, angsty yet lethal when confronted by scary things, your SAM unit makes an awesome addition to any household. Aside from being visually attractive, surprisingly dominant in the sack and earnestly well meaning even when he's accidentally opening the gateway to hell, your SAM unit has many other uses:

_Religious Television Presenter:_

How many times have you flicked through television channels only to recoil in disgust when you come across a preachy silver-haired pastor trying to get you to send him money? Why not grab onto this gravy train by utilising your SAM unit? Not only has he actually met and been seduced by the devil he's also actively fighting against it and will spend any donations on ammunition.

*As shown by the popular television programmes "Touched (inappropriately) By An Angel In The Backseat Of My Car" hosted by Dean Winchester, "Ash's Hair Dos And Don'ts", and "Parenting Tips With John Winchester - Emotionally Scarring Your Children For A Brighter Future", Supernatural units are surprisingly popular on television.

_School Councillor:_

High school is a veritable minefield of temptation and insecurity. How can you be sure that your daughters are going to be able to resist the sneaky "funny" cigarette one of the "cool kids" in their class might try and give them? How can you be sure that your son won't fall prey to those flirty cheerleaders just waiting to trap him into having a child with him before he reaches his twenties?

Why not let them talk with your SAM unit for an hour? After telling them all about his demon blood addiction which led to the resurrection of Lucifer and the potential destruction of the human race, the fact that every woman he touched sexually died horribly and not being a good boy and listening to his father turned out to be a disaster, you'll end up with the most obedient kids this side of The Brady Bunch.

_**Frequently Asked Questions:**_

**_Q: _My** _**SAM unit** **looks sad and tormented - as though his muscular yet somehow boyish shoulders cannot carry the burden of a thousand unspoken torments. Why?**_

**A:** It's a day ending with a "y".

**Q: My SAM unit is furrowed of brow, really handy with a knife, doesn't mind stitching his own wounds up and generally resembles a lanky Mad-Max/Rambo without the anti-semitism or steroids. Having only recently summoned the energy to get out of bed I'm a bit suprised.**

**A:** You've been issued with a BAD-ASS SAM WINCHESTER unit. If you ordered an emo series 1-3 unit then ring our helpline and press 4. If you have recently destroyed a DEAN unit either by letting your dog using it as a chew toy or allowing it to get lost in the TRICKSTER unit "alternate dimension play area" then press 6. If you don't mind the rough stuff then lay back and enjoy.

**Q: My SAM unit is twitchy, doesn't pay any attention to my DEAN unit and keeps having trysts with a brunette demon. Is he having an affair or should I be _really_ worried?**

Your SAM unit has become addicted to demon blood. Do not be suprised if it stops listening to you/ refuses to do housework/ opens a portal to hell/ forgets to feed the goldfish/ breaks the vacuum cleaner or is generally irritating. Either book it into a stay at a Bobby units' "Pentagram Themed Kettle Drum of Demon Blood Rehab" or point out that drinking blood never goes well for anyone, and unless you're auditioning for a villain in the "Twilight" movies the whole "blood drinking" isn't socially acceptable.

_**TROUBLESHOOTING**_

**PROBLEM**: **There's a really big spider on my shower curtain, but despite all attempts at convincing my SAM unit to remove it he refuses. Instead he insists that the hairy,creepy arachnid is "misunderstood", "doesn't mean to be venomous" and "can't help scaring everyone within a thirty metre radius". What should I do?**

**SOLUTION**: Due to an unfortunate contamination with the YELLOW EYED DEMON unit during manufacture, SAM units have an affinity with people/creatures/supernatural beings that are deemed by society as being "different". Arguing their case triggers the little used "self-esteem" setting and is harmless and beneficial to your unit. Merely get a pest controller/friendly neighbour to remove the creature and tell your SAM that the freakish thing is now living happily in a magical land where it is totally accepted by everyone and never freaks anyone out ever.

* Be sure that you are totally confident that whatever your SAM unit is fixated upon is actually harmless. Once again GrubbyHunters Ltd. apologise profusely to the victims of "Bob The Hammer Killer's" victims after his unfortunate release by Mrs Kelly's SAM unit.

**Q: My SAM unit seems incapable of taking five steps without damaging itself, whether it be almost bleeding to death after suffering a paper cut, getting concussed by walking into the clothes line or somehow almost drowning while pouring a glass of water. Why is this?**

**SOLUTION: **You have a hurt/comfort SAM unit. The most mundane tasks will invariably prove to be potentially life threatening hazards, leaving you to mop its fevered brow for a few days before it decides not to die after all. When used in conjunction with DEAN or JOHN h/c units, angst may reach toxic levels and we advise you to leave the building and stay with relatives for a few days unless you really like the music of Evanescence and have shares in a tissue company.

**PROBLEM: Yesterday I walked into the bedroom and came across both my SAM and DEAN units in a state that can only be described as "sweaty", "embarrassed" and "awkward". What happened?**

**SOLUTION: **You are the owner of two "WINCEST" units. If you did not specifically order units from this line then please contact our customer services and we will replace your units with our more socially acceptable "heterosexual" line. While very popular with some purchasers, WINCEST units can often be met with horrified dismay amongst others.

(If you do decide to keep them however, the addition of a camera in their shared bedroom and an ebay account can prove to be extremely lucrative).

**PROBLEM: My WINCHESTER DELUXE FAMILY PACK seems to be faulty. Accessory B (KICK ASS CHEVY IMPALA) refuses to allow my SAM unit to enter it - even if I unlock the doors myself. Is there a reason for this?**

**SOLUTION: **Did you loan out your DEAN unit or have it serviced for a couple of days? Did you allow your SAM unit to "update the interior" of the Impala?

CHEVY IMPALA's do not respond well to the addition of ipods, "The Little Book Of Calm", throw pillows, vacuum cleaners or emo music.

Merely reclaim your DEAN unit and let it clean/beat the hell out of it with a wrench (depending on it's mood) to the sound of "Back In Black" and you should have no further problems.

**PROBLEM: Every time my SAM unit interacts with a female unit it either explodes, permanently unplugs itself or fatally interacts with accessory C (shiny silver bullet)**. **Why is this?**

**SOLUTION: **Due to a manufacturing flaw, interaction with part XW (penis attachment) is hazardous to female units. Should you become worried that your SAM unit is becoming interested in a treasured female unit merely place the boxes of those it has already broken in front of it and leave it to brood for several hours/days/until it needs to be recharged.

**FINAL NOTE:**

Provided you adhere to the above suggestions we at GrubbyHunters Ltd. are sure that you and your SAMunit will have many happy years together.

_DISCLAIMER: GrubbyHunters Ltd. Take no responsibility for Prozac __prescriptions, boxes purchased to stand on when kissing, flea combs (be sure to keep your SAM away from our popular WEREWOLF unit line) or psychiatrist bills from waking up next to someone your gran would quite happily adopt._


	3. Chapter 3

**This idea is not mine. If I knew who originally thought up the idea of character "user guides" then I would credit (and probably hug) them. Please drop me a line if you know who first came up with the idea . John Winchester belongs to Kripke.**

**The User's Guide And Manual For**

**John Winchester**

**Copyright GrubbyHunters Ltd.**

**Daisy May , Chief Technical Advisor**

_**CONGRATULATIONS!**_

_You are now the proud owner of a JOHN WINCHESTER (henceforth JOHN) unit! In order to obtain maximum enjoyment from your stern, bad-ass father figure, please follow the instructions below._

_**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**_

Name: JOHN WINCHESTER

Type: Human (male)

Height: 6ft 2.

Weight: 150 lbs

Length: ask our popular MARY unit.

Eye colour: Green. Occasionally yellow when in the proximity of scary ass yellow eyed demon. (Demon possession play set sold separately).

_**ACCESSORIES**_

Your John unit will be shipped to you as soon as possible (provided your customs officer isn't female and hasn't seen P.S I Love You, in which case be prepared for various excuses about it being lost in the post/her appartment/bed). Units are delivered fully clad in a battered jacket, jeans, boots, various weapons and a diary which although useful when hunting down supernatural creatures also has quite a lot of angsty poetry interspersed with the good stuff.

Eg.

_I had a wife,_

_She died, she died._

_She was bleeding on the ceiling,_

_Then she fried, she fried._

_One son is a giant,_

_The other's a mess,_

_If she'd seen us now she'd have cried *_

_**OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS**_

Your JOHN unit has been designed to be both user friendly and efficient. Aside from being visually attractive, guaranteed to get even your prissiest of great aunts a bit hot under the collar and awesome at chopping scary things into little bits, your JOHN unit has many other uses.

_Tutor_

Kids of today eh? No respect for authority. Why not buy/borrow a JOHN unit for a couple of weeks? A few days under daddy Winchester's guidance and your troubled teens will be begging for a curfew, if only to prevent them from being dragged out on hunting trips and having to listen to the litany of woe that is your JOHN unit's history.

* GrubbyHunters Ltd. Accepts no responsibility for dry cleaning of underpants or psychiatrist bills that may occur when JOHN units are set to No-really-this-is-all-for-your-own-good default setting is engaged.

_OAP Minder:_

Your JOHN unit has the willpower to resist literally decades of torture in hell, so why not utilise his manly forbearance for something useful? Do you feel guilty at leaving your gran at her nursing home but don't really want to watch endless repeats of soap operas or hear about how in 1947 you could buy a house for a couple of coins and a thimble? Why not leave your JOHN unit with her for a couple of afternoons a week? He's used to pain, and while not particularly loquacious it's not as though he'd be able to get a word in edgeways anyway.

_Studmuffin:_

Seriously have you seen his kids? If that weird looking guy from Jon and Kate Plus Eight can father all those children then on behalf of the female species we urge you to procreate with our yummy daddy Winchester. Sure they might accidentally open a gateway to hell, but at least they'll look really sexy doing it.

_**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:**_

**Q: There seem to be several thousand teenaged girls sat on my lawn (and one creepy middle aged man clutching a Robert Pattinson poster), all weeping and threatening violence towards my JOHN unit. What is going on?**

**A: **Has your JOHN unit recently come into contact with one of our popular EDWARD CULLEN units? JOHN units have a built in kill-all-vampires-even-if-they're-angstier-than-DEAN-and-SAM-combined chip. When confronted with EDWARD CULLEN units, your JOHN will automatically remove the EDWARD unit's part c (head). This has a detrimental effect on 90 percent of females under the age of 20 - leading to weeping, angst and terrible poetry posted on Facebook. In order to calm the situation try and get hold of a couple of DEAN and SAM units; the emotionally tortured, yet really hot boys will distract the intruders long enough for you to get your JOHN to a place of safety.

**Q: My JOHN unit keeps avoiding my DEAN and SAM units, ignoring their attempts to communicate and triggering their emo chips to almost toxic levels**.

**A:** Due to a manufacturing flaw, JOHN units are hardwired to be unintentionally cruel to it's fellow Winchester units. This is usually defended as being cruel-to-be-kind and for their own good. Lovers of angst should do nothing about this, however for those who find it a bit tiresome, why not take your units on the Jerry Springer Show to work things out? "Our dad brought us up to hunt monsters and give us both crippling self image problems and now won't talk to us" has a certain ring to it as an episode topic.

_**TROUBLESHOOTING**_

**PROBLEM: My JOHN refuses to do any housework, gets gun oil all over the kitchen table and generally treats me in a rather chauvinistic way. I'm tired of always being told that that stuff is "women's work". What can I do to make him a bit more obliging around the house?**

**SOLUTION: **Threaten to either buy or borrow two DEAN and SAM units, lock all three of them in a room together and make them talk honestly about their feelings towards each other. This will engage your JOHN unit's panic-at-any-show-of-affection chip and should have him cleaning the bathroom within moments.

**PROBLEM: My son is top of his class, compassionate and an all-round lovely little boy, However he and my JOHN unit just don't seem to get on. What can I do to remedy this situation?**

**SOLUTION: **JOHN units have difficulty in grasping concepts like "actually I'd quite like to have a normal life," "to be honest I'd rather not spend my days trying to kill things that would have most sensible people wetting themselves if they encountered them" or "just for once I'd like to have a normal relationship with a member of the opposite sex. One that doesn't involve religious metaphors or fire extinguishers".

Why not send your son/daughter on a hunting/fishing trip? Invent some sort of terrifying beast and let your JOHN unit and your child bond together in the hunting down of "The quite disgusting if you step on it without socks earwig" or "The terrifyingly colourful butterfly which could possibly be poisonous but probably isn't" - hell it's still going to be more believable than that racist truck from season 1. For JOHN units hunting things is the best bonding activity you could pick. If afterwards it speaks more than four words to your child or embraces it gruffly then you might as well consider them kin.

(Parental discretion is however advised. Explaining to the neighbours that your child set alight sweet Mrs Roberts because he thought she "might" have been a Wendigo is not only time consuming but difficult to explain to the police. On the plus side Jehovas Witnesses will probably give you a wide berth, so every cloud has a silver lining.

**PROBLEM: Instead of a sexy, green eyed hunter who I'd quite like to throw me down and shag me senseless I have a doe eyed bloke who looks at me as though I'm about to shuffle of this mortal coil any minute. What is going on?**

**SOLUTION: **You are in possession of a DEAD DENNY unit. While kind of cute initially, they quickly outwear their welcome and lead to falling viewing figures and anger at writers of hospital based dramas. Get yourself checked out at your doctors incase you have any underlying potentially tragic illness and lock it in a room with a DVD of Watchmen on repeat for a couple of days. It'll either toughen up or bugger off to the afterlife permanently.

**PROBLEM: This morning I woke up to find my JOHN unit attempting to remove its eyes with an ice-cream scoop. When I tried to ask why it would do such a thing it merely pointed at the computer which was primed to a fanfiction site. Any attempts to communicate with it further merely resulted in the rocking-back-and-forth-"wrong-so-wrong" default setting. What has happened?**

**SOLUTION: **Your JOHN unit has discovered fan fiction. In particular slash fan fiction. Involving his sons together. Or he and one or both of his sons together. Got any parents or siblings? Try and imagine getting down and dirty with them (we'll wait).

Yup, thought that'd be your response.

Try and limit your JOHN's computer access to sites involving hideous and lethal supernatural creatures. It's a lot less disturbing that way.

**FINAL NOTE: **Sexy and a little bit dangerous, our JOHN units are bound to please even the most discerning buyer. However we must emphasise that the unit should be supervised at all times - Grubby Hunters Ltd. Have apologised unreservedly with regard to those who attended the Utah scout jamboree, and assure that in future our JOHN units will come with a leaflet advising purchasers against leading small groups of easily impressionable youths, especially when given access to pointy weapons.

Our sincere apologies go out to Mr and Mrs Carter, and Reverand Smythe. GrubbyHunters Ltd. Do not, nor ever have condoned tying people to a chair in a devils trap because "they looked a bit dodgy", nor shooting them in the arse with silver bullets because "they petted a dog and that might make them a werewolf."

***apologies to The Simpsons who I have blatently ripped off.**

**No offence intended towards Wincesters - all this is just for fun. To the people asking for a Castiel guide - I'll get around to it eventually, but I want to see what Kripke does with his character this season first. I don't want to spoil anything for people who haven't had the chance to watch this season yet (and what a fun season it is so far!).**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: This idea is not mine. If I knew who originally thought up the idea of character "user guides" then I would credit (and probably hug) them. Castiel belongs to Kripke and the big shiny bloke in the sky. This is totally tongue in cheek - no disrespect meant to anyone's beliefs. Spoilers for seasons five and six so be warned.**

**The User's Guide And Manual For**

**CASTIEL**

**Copyright FallenAngels Ltd.**

**Daisy May , Chief Technical Advisor**

_**CONGRATULATIONS!**_

_You are now the proud owner of a CASTIEL ANGEL OF THE LORD (henceforth CASTIEL) unit! In order to obtain maximum enjoyment from your rumpled, soulful and overly literal angel, please follow the instructions below._

_**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**_

Name: CASTIEL

Type: ANGEL

Manufacturers: The big dude in the sky.

Height: 6ft

Weight: 160 lbs

Length: He's an angel - what are you, perverted? (put it this way he's "blessed", but such measurements were done as a totally scientific study by all sixteen of our female lab assistants).

Eye colour: Blue

Brow: Furrowed.

_**ACCESSORIES**_

Your CASTIEL unit will be shipped to you as soon as possible, but delays may be experienced if he has an existential crisis of belief half way through shipping.

Units are delivered fully clad in a swishy raincoat and a suit that needs a good ironing.

Invisible wings are also available for that full on dramatic unfurling in the face of evil/DEAN units/being faced with a daunting task - eg having to do the washing up.

_**OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS**_

Your CASTIEL unit has been designed to be both user friendly and efficient. Due to the fact that he is programmed to obey God first and you second, this is not always the case, however. His controls are voice activated, but please be sure to speak slowly and clearly.

Aside from being visually attractive, adorably rumpled and endearingly earnest, your CASTIEL has many other uses.

_Sunday School Teacher._

Setting your children on the path of righteousness is sometimes hard when most Sunday schools are run by matronly looking ladies who skip all the cool bits of the Bible and focus on the boring "forgiving" and "loving thy neighbour" parts of the good book. Why not put your CASTIEL in charge? A half an hour of him talking about beating the crap out of demons, how hardcore the arch-angels are, and warning against the imminent apocalypse will have even the most agnostic child filling up its Transformers thermos with holy water and learning latin as a voluntary extra curricular activity.

_Personal Therapist._

Battling inner demons or know someone who is looking particularly tormented? CASTIEL units will diagnose the problem with one soulful look and reassure you that it wasn't your fault that your dad left home when you were a baby/ you happened to have been born with a strangely shaped nose/ or your hamster happened to be sitting right in the middle of your favourite armchair. For only $50 or 30 euros you can also purchase the hurt/comfort CASTIEL chip which will enable your unit to "make everything better" in the sweatiest, most satisfying way possible.

_Handy Surrogate For Public Events._

Lets face it. Love your children as you do, school concerts and plays are basically two minutes of being proud of your kids as they butcher Scarborough Fair on the recorder or wander past playing a sheep in a nativity scene. After that you have a full three hours of trying to look interested in other people's children doing things that are at worst excruciatingly bad or at best boring. Why not send your CASTIEL unit instead of attending yourself? Due to a lack of irony or sense of humour chip your unit will dourly sit through the whole performance without complaint and with a suitable look of intense interest. Even if the inkeeper forgets his words and tells Mary and Joseph they've got plenty of vacancies, your CASTIEL will merely see it as a profound message from up above and not join in with the derisive laughter of the rest of the crowd.

_**CLEANING**_

Your CASTIEL unit's angelic dirt-of-earth-be-gone Teflon coating means that washing your unit is a waste of time if you are a heterosexual male, but a source of much enjoyment for those who prefer to worship the male form in a more literal and physical sense of the term.

_**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**_

**Q: While I am very fond of my CASTIEL unit, it's a bit disconcerting when I'm going about my business and suddenly find it standing two inches behind me looking soulful without so much as a polite cough or "hello" to announce it's presence. Why does it do this?**

**A. **Unfortunately, due to a manufacturing flaw CASTIEL units have no concept of "personal space". If it wants to find you then your unit will seek you out and wait patiently and quietly whatever you are doing, be it weeding the garden or reading the newspaper on the toilet. On the plus side if you are tired of your teenaged sons "borrowing" your Victoria Secret catalogues, a few visits from a solemn angel watching him "research" ladies' undergarments will result in any future underwear catalogues remaining in pristine condition.

*Fallen Angels LTD. Accept no responsibility for any trauma caused by our units' expression of quiet disapproval. All therapy fees are entirely the owner's responsibility.

**Q: I came home from work to find my CASTIEL shivering in the corner of my living room and my DEAN unit inexplicably set to "smugly self satisfied". My Television doesn't seem to be working either. What has happened?**

**A. **Interaction between DEAN and CASTIEL units should be closely monitored. While the friendship between the two is occasionally cute and slightly homoerotic, DEAN units will eventually decide to share some of it's favourite pastimes with your rumpled angel of the lord.

This often involves the DEAN unit locking a CASTIEL unit in a room with a television set to the Playboy channel. CASTIEL units will invariably shift to their default Sin!Depravity!Naked Boobies! Setting.*

* Aforesaid setting is usually accompanied with panicky rocking and the close-your-eyes-and-you-can't-see-it-override backup.

Merely calm your CASTIEL by showing it something wholesome - a cookery programme or a Jonas Brothers concert for example, and take away your DEAN's accessory C (kick ass Chevy Imapala) until it promises to behave itself.

**Q. My CASTIEL while very sweet and well intentioned lacks the single minded purpose and angel wing accessories I was led to expect of the unit. What has happened?**

**A. **You have been issued with a JIMMY unit. While rather cute, unless you purchase the little requested NOVAK family selection pack it won't be happy living with you and is 100 percent less awesome at fighting demons. Send it back to us with proof of purchase and we will either replace it with a CASTIEL unit or a gift token made out for the unit's value.

* a service charge of $500 will be implemented if your JIMMY unit is damaged by any members of the really, really obvious that a demon is going to possess one of them, NOVAK family units.

_**TROUBLESHOOTING**_

**Problem: My CASTIEL has decided to find God. While I find this admirable, so far it has resulted in my unit hoarding several pieces of toast, a tortilla and now it is sitting below my next door neighbours son's tree house praying. Help!**

**Solution: **Do you have a DEAN unit? Has it offered to "help" your CASTIEL unit on its quest? Unfortunately our CASTIEL units are incapable of distinguishing facts from "let's just say something strange like "Jesus has manifested on a tortilla" to see what the angel unit will do". Go and check your neighbours tree house. Chances are your DEAN unit has painted a crude rendering of the son of God on the side. Explain the hoax to your CASTIEL unit, punish your DEAN unit - remember sex is not a deterrent even if you do spank it first - and try and persuade the kid next door that it is not the son/daughter of God.

* FallenAngels Ltd. Would like to apologise once again to Mr and Mrs Foster for their tragic loss, and point out that even if an angel unit tells you that you can walk on water you shouldn't try it without adult supervision, arm bands and only in a supervised swimming pool, not just jumping into a stormy sea because the CASTIEL unit told you it would "probably" be ok.

**Q: My CASTIEL follows my DEAN unit around, casting soulful glances in its general direction and quite frankly looking like it might jump its bones at any moment. Have I been issued with a slash model by mistake?**

**A: **No. The simmering sexual tension between CASTIEL and DEAN is canon. Try and diffuse things by taking either or both to bed, or if you do infact have two slash units then pop them in a steamy shower and sell the rights for a decent amount of cash, or get a SAM unit to beat up your DEAN. Roughly several thousand hurt/comfort fanfic writers will thank you for fuelling their muses.

**Q: I woke up this morning to find my CASTIEL reduced to a teeny tiny doll. It's cute, but not exactly what I paid good money for. What happened?**

**A. **Do you have an adopted child? Yes? Did you check its birth certificate? No, didn't think so. Either try and convince your half demon creepy child that your CASTIEL unit probably didn't mean to stab it with that giant knife it was waving around in a child stabbing way, or just get used to having a wee plastic angel around the place. Why not buy it a Barbie doll? Barbie has spent decades with Ken and is used to pretty, slightly sexually confused partners and will no doubt get your CASTIEL out of that trench coat and into something frilly and chiffon based within minutes.

**Q: My CASTIEL is long of hair, bare of feet and frankly a little more "Austin Powers shagadellic" than I had been led to believe. Is this normal?**

**A. **You've been sent a FUTURE CASTIEL unit. What it lacks in morals, personal grooming and selectiveness it more than makes up for with experience. Lay back and enjoy, although you might have to arrange a rota if there's more than one female (or male) in the house.

****

FINAL NOTE:

CASTIEL units are loyal, unwaveringly noble and take their designated tasks very seriously, be it mowing the lawn or preventing the demise of the entire human race. We at Fallen Angels LTD. Are sure that you and your sexy angel will have many happy years together, however we recommend that you limit it's exposure to the works of Charles Darwin as the resulting theological arguments can prove a distraction when it comes to getting its clothes off.


End file.
